What will happen if I start doing X for various values of X?

Here are the answers so that you don’t have to waste your time trying it out:

X = stop showering

You won’t do anything catastrophic or even moderately bad to your health. You’ll start smelling really bad, although you’ll eventually stop noticing the smell (others around you won’t). You’ll gain absolutely nothing (except maybe saving a few minutes every day).

X = start exercising

If you find something that’s both aerobically intense and something you can commit to doing fairly regularly, you’ll literally add years to your life.

X = go vegetarian / vegan

You’ll feel morally superior (and you will be!). You’ll almost certainly relapse or quit eventually. At that point I encourage you to look into ethical offsetting and start donating money to animal rights groups instead of feeling guilty at your lack of willpower.

X = stop eating GMO foods

You’ll go to Chipotle and order a Carnitas bowl with a soft drink on the side, fill it up with Sprite, and drink it, remaining blissfully unaware that ALL HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP IS MADE FROM GENETICALLY MODIFIED CORN YOU IDIOT.

X = go on a juice cleanse / detox

You’ll deprive your body of fiber. You’ll become very hungry. You’ll probably consume more sugar than you should. You might lose weight during the cleanse, but you’ll probably gain it all back afterwards. You’ll lose any respect I may have had for you if you mention that you did this front of me. (SERIOUSLY DON’T DO THIS).

X = meditate

Sadly for the skeptics and cynics among us (myself included), meditation seems have actual benefits, despite all the woo-woo surrounding it. You may feel less anxious, less depressed, and even happier.

X = quit social media

You’ll marvel at how often you subconsciously open a tab and type instagram.com or try to open the now-deleted Twitter app on your phone every five minutes. You’ll be bored more often at first but may eventually find something you enjoy doing to pass the time. You’ll wonder why the hell you bother taking photos if you aren’t gonna share them with anyone.

X = read the terms and conditions for all websites you use and apps you download

You’ll waste an enormous amount of time reading boring legalese and will eventually stop doing this.

X = stop watching TV

You’ll miss out on some of the greatest entertainment ever produced in human history. Seriously, the golden age of television is still going on. Keep watching TV.

X = read N books a year

Unless you find a genre and subject matter you enjoy, you’ll spend a lot of time being sad and bored. Don’t read for the sake of reading; find something you like and read that.

X = use DuckDuckGo instead of Google

You’ll feel morally superior. You’ll probably be annoyed at the worse quality of the results, but will eventually mostly get used to it. You’ll still reach for the !g command fairly often.

X = use Firefox instead of Chrome

You’ll feel morally superior. You may encounter minor website bugs every once and a while because dumb web developers only test on Chrome.

X = learn Dvorak

Your friends won’t be able to use your keyboard.